wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
