During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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