I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
