Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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