things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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