I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're a waste of cheezeits
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
