pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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