Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
