My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
