Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
