Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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