I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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