Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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