she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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