sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
