mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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