There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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