Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
