I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
