I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
