shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
