my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
