I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
