I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
