you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
