When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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