why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
