no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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