I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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