If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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