i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
