took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
