Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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