No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
