I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
