I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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