1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
