My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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