She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
