So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
