Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
