I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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