You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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