Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
