So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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