every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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