We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
