I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
