I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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