I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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