The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
did you just send me my own nude
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize