you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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