I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
