I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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