i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
