My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
