I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
