Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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