both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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